Stoned Jesus – Stormy Monday

Written on

July 5, 2011

After a long and very hot 4th of July, all I want to do is sit back, turn my phone off and be inspired by Jesus. Not just any Jesus though, it’s Jesus Christs’ insanely stoned twin brother that loves to worship heavy doom riffs and very catchy lyrics. Some call him Jesus the Second, some call him The Second coming of Christ, I simply call him Stoned Jesus. Stoned Jesus is the type of savior that can bring you all the joy Christ can except Stoned Jesus does it a whole lot different and doesn’t gives a shit if you want to rock out heavy as hell. Slowly creeping out of the Ukraine, Stoned Jesus is a three-piece that will infest your brain with some of the catchiest Stoner/Doom metal that is more infectious than cancer itself. To sum it up as easily as possible, if Stoned Jesus would of been around when Black Sabbath hit it huge, things might be a little bit different and we would be praising these guys instead of Black Sabbath.

This record only has four tracks that span across twenty-five minutes but two of the tracks are the same, one edited and one extended. One word to describe Stoned Jesus and the “Stormy Monday” EP? Hybrid. It’s the same exact image I get in my head if Motorhead would of been a Stoner/Doom band. Some of the most catchiest hooks I’ve heard in a very long time from any genre and the pure adrenaline that “Stormy Monday” has is just an overwhelming sensations of bliss. If tortured gallows were filled with bright flowers, waterfalls and a very melodic, upbeat soundtrack playing over the loud speakers, you would have Stoned Jesus and “Stormy Monday”. If volcanoes erupted by some unknown force that a dark wizard created, “Stormy Monday” is the record that would save the day and save the planet from destruction. As much volume you get from this record and as much sexual tension you get from it, you can’t help but think of greatness and beautiful days while it plays.

So, while the world ends and you’re get judged by the man upstairs, I’ll be blasting “Stormy Monday” through all the speakers in my house so that all of you can hear real redemption. Unforgivable tracks like the title track, “Stormy Monday”, will have you singing the chorus for days on end while “Drunk and Horny”, the second track on the EP will bring you nothing but great fantasies and blistering riffs. “Stormy Monday” is very similar to a semi-truck that is barreling full speed down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic while a storm hovers overhead. The truck might escape the storm but he won’t escape his fate of dying a beautiful death while blasting a solid record from these Ukrainian outfit.

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[Retired] A cool kid with no talent but tons of heart! A passion for grindcore and writing in general pushes me onward to reach new heights within music journalism.