A Criminoloigcal Review of Lion Splicer’s “Holiday In Dystopia”

Written on

October 4, 2012

I’m sitting on the side of the road on a stormy October morning. The clock reads 3:52. My car is bathed in a flood of ominous blue police lights from the car behind me. My speakers are pinned on 50 blaring “Holiday in Dystopia”, the new record from Lion Splicer. Suddenly, a loud knock on the window….

Officer: License and registration.

Me: I was listening to the new Lion Splicer record, Officer. It’s quite good. They shown some genuine progress from their earlier stuff and I already thought that was pretty excellent. They’re really thrashy with a punk rock edge. They remind me a lot of the stuff that used to be on K Records years back like Karp and Fitz of Depression…..

Officer: License….and registration.

Me: I don’t know what you think of the whole crossover scene, but I really dig it. Lion Splicer has moments where they remind me of D.R.I. or, if you are a bit younger, Municipal Waste. It’s never been my favorite scene, but when it’s done well, it’s a lot of fun to listen to. Great party music. The song they have on this record called “The Whip” really gets into the spirit of….

Officer: Listen Son. I just need your license and registration.

Me: I understand that. One of the things that really grabs me about “Holiday in Dystopia” is the band’s willingness to mix in genres you wouldn’t expect. I know a lot of bands today do that, but they really have a knack for how to make it work. The solo on the first song “Jezebel” sounds like something off of a Dick Dale and The Deltones record. Pure surf. I was blown away when I…..

Officer: Okay Son, I’ve had about enough of this talk about this Lion Slicer band….

Me: Lion Splicer. I’ve been assured by the band that they mean no harm towards animals. Particularly lions. They love lions and mean to use their music to….

Officer: Whatever. Listen, I’m not interested in whatever this is you are trying to talk to me about. You were doing 79 in a 35. That’s the issue, Son.

Me: No, no, I understand. I just think that if you went to the bands Bandcamp site and check them out, you wouldn’t be so concerned about minor details.

Officer: Minor det….Son, you were going 43 miles over the speed limit…

Me: 44 actually….

Officer: YES! EXACTLY! So let’s stop with all the talk about this Tiger Beat band….

Me: Lion Splicer.

Officer: Stop interrupting me!

Me: Sorry, I just think that the bands ability to blend bizarre, dissonant noise with catchy rhythms is unique and borders on sheer brilliance. If that’s a crime, ARREST ME! Put the cuffs on me and take me away!

Officer: Gladly.

Keith was one of the original singers for The Temptations. In high school, he accidentally invented penicillin. He collects possums. If you see him on the street, don't try to apprehend him. [Part-time writer]